Over the past five to six months Caleb and I have been on an unexpected journey; a fertility one. Since we got pregnant immediately, like instantaneously, with Judah, we always joked about having to be careful sneezing around each other in case I got pregnant. It would seem that for now the sneeze-conception danger is low.
I hesitated a wee bit to write about this, mainly because we’re not out of the woods yet, and it appears that most people tend to communicate their struggles in this area after there is a resolution. I totally get that. It’s a private thing, and can be so fraught with emotion, that the thought of more than a handful of people knowing could be really overwhelming. However, I’ve always been a heart-on-sleeve kind of person. And I really am doing okay. If I wasn’t, I don’t think I’d be able to share all this. So here’s the story so far…
We weren’t totally off-base in our high opinion of just how fertile we are; it would appear that the actual making of the babies isn’t a problem. It’s just that my uterus is not being very hospitable right now. It appears that we’ve managed to make at least three teeny-tiny babies that haven’t been able to find a place to rest. So I recently visited an OBGYN. I say that because it’s so much more palatable than the alternative; gyna******st is like Voldemort (he who must not be named). It makes my inner-teenager want to gallop towards the hills with my legs crossed! Anyway, it’s not yet totally clear what’s going on, but we have a plan in place, and there is plenty of hope.
The focus of my blog this week though, is not the nitty gritty of fertility land. It’s the emotional landscape I wish to explore. When I say I’m okay, this of course doesn’t mean that there haven’t been rough days. I had just found out about the latest early miscarriage and I was sitting on the floor admiring Judah’s Duplo tower-truck. And then he just smashed it over my face. So I cried and went back to bed for three hours. Naturally there are going to be days like that. And the days of fevered pregnancy testing, the hope of early positives, the disappointment of ensuing negatives, and the anxious googling to see if it’s possible to get a positive – negative – positive test.
So yes, there have been those days. But the place I stand right now is one of such hope. And genuine joy. I feel like the journey I’ve been on over the last several years, but particularly in the past year, has been one that has solidified my trust in the kindness of Jesus. I read a book for my counselling degree some time ago that has impacted me greatly. The author talks about the many things in life that clamber for the Number One spot in our affections and attentions. Many of which are good and valid things; family, relationships, health, finance, church, kids, work. However, when anything other than the pursuit of Christ takes top spot, things get out of sync with the way God designed life to work.
Through his comforting kindness, I am beginning to see this journey from a more eternal perspective. I was out walking by the canal the other day, and I felt like God spoke to my heart and said, “Deb, I really wanted those babies with me. Thank you for taking care of them.” That may sound a little harsh to some, but it really did change the way I viewed this season. I don’t know about you, but I look at my little Judah, and although he’s definitely my son, he is just so much more God’s son. Our kids are humans that God has placed with us to love and guide and take care of. But they are ultimately his. So are my little babies that we didn’t get to meet. And they are in SUCH a good place!
I’ve also come to realise nothing other than Jesus will provide the satisfaction that my soul longs for. That includes another baby. I really want another child. But I want Christ more. I really do. Because I know he has my best interests at heart. As a result of his overwhelming kindness, I am able to say, for now, that he is at Number One. The cool thing is that he’s promised us another kiddo through a myriad of cool ways. So we really look forward to that. And in the meantime I will continue trying to trust my lovely Saviour, resting in his open hands, and keeping my gaze in his general direction.
Bless you friends,